Monday, July 10, 2006 @12:02 AM
8/7/2006- Where's your heart today?
today's the very first sunday in a super long time that i can say i'm early for church. it felt really really good..to be able to attend upperlight and worshipped throughout the whole P&W session. i'm usually late.. and embarrassed about it. It's a real breakthrough man.. and i intend to keep up with it. =)
was really excited about cell.. i mean, i'm early... i felt really excited to share how good God has been to me the past week. and how God illuminated truths in His word as i studied it. anyhow, things did not turn out the way i wanted it to. during sharing, i see ppl distracted.. talking to one another, totally not caring about the person who's sharing. of course, it's not the whole grp, but a few small cliques chatting and all. was a little irritated, but decided to juz let it be for a while. UNTIL it came to my turn to share. Was sharing a bit when these 2 guys started strumming guitar and singing some song AND distracting the group that i simply lost it. I WAS FUMING MAD. MAD cos they just din bother to listen, mad also cos i din know how to convey how i was feeling best to them at tt point of time. I was feeling sad too... such an overwhelming sense of heartache. As i looked at this group of ppl that i've come to love, i can sense how far away they have been to God. Sad cos i really dunno how to convey how important the reality of Christ is.
i wanted my grp to share a lil' differently today.. the topic to share with the rest was either something they have been struggling with, or something that they wanna give thanks for, hoping that at least one will be open enough to share his/her life. I WAS SO WRONG. the sharing generally revolved around tests, and more tests and studies and more studies. IS that ALL a cell is capable of doing? wat happened to group support, what happened to trust and frankness?
to me, a cell grp is a grp where one can find support in. a safe refuge fm the rest of the world. no matter how one becomes, he/she can be sure of the unconditional support he/she can get fm the group. i'm really happy to see the grp grow closer and more united.. but i know they are capable of SO MUCH MORE. how can they learn they in order to build such close knitted relationships, they have to firstly learn to trust? i think tt's so lacking in my cell.. there's so much sarcasm.. there's so much teasing... can one dare to trust? to trust that no matter what is being shared, there'll be no condemnation? can they learn to support one another in prayer? to give each other a boost in their spiritual walk? i've been in a grp where i had tt. unconditional love and support. to know tt watever shared remains in the grp. how do i show them all tt?
everyone of us puts on a facade daily... we only share what we want to share. the picture others have of us is wat we allow them to glimpse of us. it may not even be a true picture. but i so wish and pray tt these facades will not be put on in cell... if u want to be real, the best place is to ur cell. a place where u can be urself. no inhibitions whatsoever.
looking at them, i feel such pain and sadness... no, it's not really the anger of them not listening to me. they apologized to me. but it's not tt. i wasn't tt angry. it's more of sadness mingled with pain... not sure if it's sadness for them cos they are like lost sheep wandering about or sadness cos i know God must be feeling worse than i. i asked God, but all i could do was worship. it lifted my mood, gave me the motivation to continue serving for speedlight. dunno how else i could have done it. i know how important it is to have God in my life... i know how easily life can crumble when one gets so lost searching for identity and significance in the wrong places... and i'm so scared tt they will do tt... i know studies are important... but all of them seemed so consumed by studying... i dun see God in the picture. i couldn't talk after tt short outburst... din know wat to say.. i dun want to end up scolding, or worse crying. haaa. AND I THANK GOD ERNIE WAS THERE. hearing him share, abt his week and abt the lessons, i was glad tt it was like what i have prepared and wanted to convey.. so a certain extent. stayed till i had to serve, and i just left.
i pray, i really pray that my cell will learn independence... learn to function without a leader. they are old enough, and more than able to take over the session completely.. pray that they will learn to love more... to be more accepting of one another. pray that they will learn to share and encourage and spur each other on towards God... and i pray God, give me the wisdom to make tt happen.
to my dearest cell: where's your heart today?
as ernie said: are u going to be the pig in that brick house that will allow the other pigs to come in? or are u the pig that's running from the wolf? or are u already dead? i hope not, but even so, God can resurrect even the dead. =) will u take up God's call to evangelise? to serve? will u spend time to know Him more?
hard questions that demand hard answers. will u pay the price???
of course, this is just how i feel. i know some of u are diligently preparing answers for the book, and spending time with God. and so encouraging and sweet. u are a joy to have in cell..and i appreciate tt, really. from the bottom of my heart. =)